Do you know how it feels when the one you love can’t even love you back?

I fell in love with words. With phrases, spaces, punctuation marks and all the things that could be associated with words and writings. I remember when i was in second grade, i wrote something in a three-piece paper that says something about teenage pregnancy and such. I knew that my mother kept it in her closet. I was so damn proud of myself that day because i did something that had amazed my mother.

I grew up with the idea that the best thing that i could do is to write and play with words. I wrote scripts which were about the girl that my circle of friends used to hate. I wrote poems for those who i have admired. They were unread by them. I wrote and write and drown myself with words. Hoping that each time i will write, i could please everyone. I could please myself.

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Unsent Letters at 2am

To my past self, stop being regretful. don’t feel sorry for not acing the test, for not passing the exam on your dream school, for crying over a douche boy who doesn’t even have decency in his bones to tell you honestly that he doesn’t really love you, for upsetting your bestfriend, for saying what you feel is right. stop harassing yourself for not being better, for not being your best because eventually, you will be. just cherish life’s lesson. you’ll be okay.

To my present self, stop crying. don’t waste your tears over your redundant failures, over bad people, over eyes that are judging you, over people who pretend to know you even if they really don’t. stop crying yourself to sleep. stop crying just because your pants don’t fit you well, and your fats are showing over a fitted blouse. stop crying just because you think you’re not pretty. stop crying just because you think you are not loved. stop drowning yourself into tears and unhealthy thoughts. stop spoiling the mood just because you think your partner doesn’t loves you and you will never be enough and he deserves someone better than you. stop thinking that he’s still inlove with his past bcoz truth is you are the one that’s being trapped in history and you are preventing yourself of becoming truly happy just because you think you don’t deserve it. stop struggling to perfection. stop hurting yourself. learn how to smile more often. embrace your flaws, no one will ever love them except you. accept life’s rejection and be better. learn from your past, not live with it. you have those people who truly cares and loves you. you just have to wipe away those tears that’s clouding your eyes so you can see and appreciate them more.

To my future self, i hope by now you have learn to love yourself. and you still have those genuine people around you. forgive yourself from hurting others and making them feel bad. it is true that time will heal all wounds, but you gotta do the healing process yourself. don’t stop dreaming. write while you can. sing as many songs as you like. don’t be afraid of what’s more to come. you can do it; you have to live.

“My mother used to tell me not to destroy things especially when they are beautiful – such as flowers aligned outside our home, that pure China vase displayed on the antique cabinet and that cardigan she knitted for my seventh birthday. So now i am asking why the heck am i destryoing myself?”

“I have forgotten now how many times i have lost my self to you. By losing i mean, giving you all my kisses, words and all that i’ve got. By losing i mean, swallowing my pride, burning my throat with words i can’t say when i am angry coz it would definitely hurt you and i’d rather hurt myself just to save you from the pain. By losing i mean, giving off first to smile, talk and start any random conversation just not to bore you. By losing i mean, giving up all those things that i am doing before we became together. By losing i mean, losing all the people i had before you came. By losing i mean, losing myself as i was years ago before we ever happened. I was never afraid to lose myself to you. Because that’s how love works in some ways. You will eventually lose yourself to someone you love until you realize you’ve got nothing to keep except him.”

Wrote this a year ago. I’m a fucking martyr, right? Ha ha.

Untitled heartbreaks

How many times will I allow myself to get hurt by you?

How many times will I wallow myself into pain just because I thought I deserve all the cold and harsh treatments from you?

How many times will I let myself believe that you really love me? Not in the ways that I know, nonetheless, you still do.

How many times will I ever say “Stop” and “I don’t want this anymore” only to find myself crawling back to you?

How many times will I finally be brave enough to put a period instead of an ellipsis or coma in this toxic relationship of ours?

How many times have I ever burned myself instead of burning our bridge?

How many times have I ever lost my own soul just so I won’t lose you?

How many times have I ever been called “demanding” just because I asked for things that I, myself, has been giving too?

How many times will I accept your apologies even before you barely uttered sorry?

How many times will I let myself cry to sleep?

How many more times will you hurt me before you might realize my worth?

How many times, baby.

I’m tired of counting numbers through tears.

Salvation (n.)

“You’re sad again; empty, as i must say.
Your mind’s a mess, your heart’s stinging in silence.
You opt not to talk to anyone, shutting down yourself from the universe.
You are trapped in that darkness; alone as ever, pushing away everyone who fight their own way in to save you.
You stood still; blank and hurting.
Your eyes are clear, your heart’s vague with tears.
You chose pain over love, over things you better know were just temporary.
You opted to hurt yourself before other people might hurt you. Nice saving, i must say.
But aren’t you tired of that?
Aren’t you tired of building up walls that’s just making you difficult to even breathe?
Aren’t you tired of pushing and fighting off people
that your hands are all wounded now?
Aren’t you tired of trying to save yourself from nothing?
There’s this light, Darling, over that aching door.
Open it and thus you shall live.”