The Day I Handed My Resignation, cc: Self (only)

It’s the day that my heart and soul felt free for the longest of months.

Cliché has it that when you love your job, every minute won’t feel like you’re working your asses off to its full extent. In fact, everything seems so lovable you can’t detach your self off from your workloads — and it won’t even feel you’re loaded for that matter.

But when you’re one with the many whose mantra is to work hard for the sake of salary and being able to indulge yourself from the luxury of your earnings from time to time – you’re doomed. You can get promoted, you may be ahead with your profession, but you will be stuck in life. You will, willingly – unconsciously, deprive yourself of the growth it truly needs.

Sometimes in life, we take onto accounts of comfort and convenience mainly because, the opportunity is being handed to us on a silver platter the easiest way possible. All you have to do is to shove it onto your mouth, busy yourself with it, and see for your own good where it will take you – either satisfy or let you crave for anything else but mundane.

Once you settle yourself for something ordinary, for something of your zone and comfort, for something that doesn’t challenge you nor let you grow, for something that hinders your heart to float openly on the air – you lose an inch of yourself every passing day.

Yes, you have a stable job. Yes, you need not to worry about where in the hands of good God can you get a money for your necessities. Yes, it’s easier to find hard moments with your job than not to have a job at all. But no, it ain’t healthy for your self. For your heart. For your soul. You have to find a career that can fill both your stomach, heart and soul.

The day that I’ve realized that I don’t belong in the corporate world is today. I’m here, stuck in an air-conditioned room (which is an A+) with a  job that offers experience way beyond what you can expect with your first jobs. Professionally speaking, it’s one big catch – considering the nature of the company, the environment, the people, the salary. But I simply don’t belong here. I don’t fit for the job.

My heart yearns for something out there. For words. For arts. For films. For something that will let me express whatever it is I have here inside of me. For something that will let me fly high no matter how uncertain my direction will be.

I don’t know if this is just a phase. An angst or rebellious moment over the stress and anxieties I’ve been through over the process of forcing myself to be fit for the job. But I can’t wait for the day where I can finally break free from the chains of being a corporate slave. I can’t wait to be where I truly belong.

The day that I have admitted defeat over this matter would be today. Then again, the real question would be: when will I truly leave this job? There’s so much things to consider, so many bills to pay. As for now, risking for that genuine happiness seem so out of reach. I needed first to grow, to take in as much as experience life will throw at me, to endure the stress and unhappy moments of this job, to save for the future, and to be more firm with whichever path I would lovingly take in the sometime in my life.

Only then will I fully submit this resignation from the corporate world.

 

Pull da strings to stop

Hindi nila sinabi, pero ang pag-ibig ay isang joy ride –

Sa una masaya. Exciting pa. Todo bigay, walang preno.

And’yan ang thrill.

‘Yung excitement sa mga tanong na:

Saan ba tutungo?

Kami ba hanggang dulo?

Forever na ba ‘to?

Sana oo.

Pero kahit di sigurado, basta kasama kita.

Basta mayroong tayo.

Hindi nila sinabi, pero ang pag-ibig pala nakakatakot kung dumidilim na –

Hindi mo na makapa. Wala ka nang mapa.

Saan ba dapat dumaan?

Mga away pa ba ay malalampasan?

Hanggang kelan?

Hanggang saan?

Hindi mo na alam kung saan ang labasan.

Hindi mo na alam kung makalalabas ka pa.

Pero kahit di sigurado, basta kasama kita.

Basta dalawa tayo.

 Hindi nila sinabi, pero ang pag-ibig pala pwedeng mawala.

Empty tank na. Tumitirik sa kawalan.

Na-pa-flat-an hanggang sa wala nang maipaglaban.

Pero kung kaya pa,

Kung mayroon pa –

Hanggang sa masimot ang kaibuturan mo.

Ibibigay mo.

Itataya mo.

Maipagpatuloy lang ang nasimulang kuwento.

Maiwala mo man kahit na sarili mo.

Pero kahit di sigurado, basta kasama kita.

Basta buo tayo.

 Hindi nila sinabi pero ang pag-ibig pala nakakapagod.

‘Yung uri ng pagod na nanunuot hanggang kaluluwa.

Magtatanong ka na,

Mahalaga pa ba?

Kaya ko pa ba talaga?

And’yan ka pa ba?

O bumaba ka na nang di ko namamalayan

At ako na lamang pala mag-isa?

Kaya pa bang punan?

Mga kakulangan na kahit pagtakpan ng pagmamahal.

Ng pag-aalala, pagkalinga, pagkatanga –

Wala na. Dead end na talaga.

Pero kahit di sigurado, susugal ako sayo.

Susugal pa rin ako sayo.

Dahil kahit di sigurado, basta kasama kita.

Basta lumalaban tayo.

 

Hindi nila sinabi pero ang pag-ibig pala puwedeng matapos.

Sa isang maling galaw ng maniobra.

Sa biglaang pagsaling sa kambyo.

Sa di biglaang pag-preno.

Sa di paghinto.

Hindi mo namalayan.

Kayo na ay nagkakasakitan.

Hanggang sa wala nang natira.

Hanggang sa napagod nang talaga.

At ang isa ay bumitaw na.

At kahit subukan mang habulin,

Subukan mang pigilan ang takbo na kay tulin.

Huli na.

Ayaw na niya.

Hinila na ang pisi,

pull da string,  

stop na.

Hindi na sigurado.

Hindi na alam kung kaya pa bang ipaglaban ang “tayo”.

Do you know how it feels when the one you love can’t even love you back?

I fell in love with words. With phrases, spaces, punctuation marks and all the things that could be associated with words and writings. I remember when i was in second grade, i wrote something in a three-piece paper that says something about teenage pregnancy and such. I knew that my mother kept it in her closet. I was so damn proud of myself that day because i did something that had amazed my mother.

I grew up with the idea that the best thing that i could do is to write and play with words. I wrote scripts which were about the girl that my circle of friends used to hate. I wrote poems for those who i have admired. They were unread by them. I wrote and write and drown myself with words. Hoping that each time i will write, i could please everyone. I could please myself.

Continue reading “Do you know how it feels when the one you love can’t even love you back?”

Unsent Letters at 2am

To my past self, stop being regretful. don’t feel sorry for not acing the test, for not passing the exam on your dream school, for crying over a douche boy who doesn’t even have decency in his bones to tell you honestly that he doesn’t really love you, for upsetting your bestfriend, for saying what you feel is right. stop harassing yourself for not being better, for not being your best because eventually, you will be. just cherish life’s lesson. you’ll be okay.

To my present self, stop crying. don’t waste your tears over your redundant failures, over bad people, over eyes that are judging you, over people who pretend to know you even if they really don’t. stop crying yourself to sleep. stop crying just because your pants don’t fit you well, and your fats are showing over a fitted blouse. stop crying just because you think you’re not pretty. stop crying just because you think you are not loved. stop drowning yourself into tears and unhealthy thoughts. stop spoiling the mood just because you think your partner doesn’t loves you and you will never be enough and he deserves someone better than you. stop thinking that he’s still inlove with his past bcoz truth is you are the one that’s being trapped in history and you are preventing yourself of becoming truly happy just because you think you don’t deserve it. stop struggling to perfection. stop hurting yourself. learn how to smile more often. embrace your flaws, no one will ever love them except you. accept life’s rejection and be better. learn from your past, not live with it. you have those people who truly cares and loves you. you just have to wipe away those tears that’s clouding your eyes so you can see and appreciate them more.

To my future self, i hope by now you have learn to love yourself. and you still have those genuine people around you. forgive yourself from hurting others and making them feel bad. it is true that time will heal all wounds, but you gotta do the healing process yourself. don’t stop dreaming. write while you can. sing as many songs as you like. don’t be afraid of what’s more to come. you can do it; you have to live.

“My mother used to tell me not to destroy things especially when they are beautiful – such as flowers aligned outside our home, that pure China vase displayed on the antique cabinet and that cardigan she knitted for my seventh birthday. So now i am asking why the heck am i destryoing myself?”

“I have forgotten now how many times i have lost my self to you. By losing i mean, giving you all my kisses, words and all that i’ve got. By losing i mean, swallowing my pride, burning my throat with words i can’t say when i am angry coz it would definitely hurt you and i’d rather hurt myself just to save you from the pain. By losing i mean, giving off first to smile, talk and start any random conversation just not to bore you. By losing i mean, giving up all those things that i am doing before we became together. By losing i mean, losing all the people i had before you came. By losing i mean, losing myself as i was years ago before we ever happened. I was never afraid to lose myself to you. Because that’s how love works in some ways. You will eventually lose yourself to someone you love until you realize you’ve got nothing to keep except him.”

Wrote this a year ago. I’m a fucking martyr, right? Ha ha.

Welcome to the Real World, Self!

They say you can’t grasp the reality of the world not until you’ve become part of it. Not until you’ve landed yourself a decent job – which hopefully is related to the course you’ve taken up in college, not until you get to pay and buy things yourself. Not until you lose yourself in the series of OT’s, and not until you get lost within the heart of the corporate arena.

Three months – or maybe almost – after graduation, after posting long messages of farewell, goodbyes and well wishes; after cradling myself in the most needed breaks of my life; after almost getting into numbers of job interviews, of which have not been successful either because it’s not for me or I don’t really fit into it; after almost giving up with the thought that I’m meant to end up nothing but a bum for the rest of my life, I finally got a job.

Last July, I got accepted as a Corporate Communications Associate at Cherry Mobile. Well, if you’d ask me if this was my dream job, I won’t be able to hand you in a decent answer because now 1) as long as I’m earning, every job is a dream come true; and 2) I’m quite happy with it – with all the perks, stress and learnings it has given me.

I won’t go into details about my job because basically I do a lot (believe me when I say a lot) of things considering that I’ve got two superiors. Anddddd, they basically have this big difference in personality which got me torn in between because they both work in different process and I feel like I’m being pulled in both ways. I was really having a hard time during my first weeks, because I have no idea of how things do work in the corporate world.

This is me in between idle and work moments. Kayod pa ‘te! Onti pa 😀

But thanks to the light ambiance of the office – despite the demanding and overflowing workloads; to my bosses who may have different personalities but are so amazing and generous in their own ways; and to my two ate’s who made my everyday stay at the office a lot tolerable and easier to manage.

To be honest, the reality that I am now an adult and I’m already working for my future hasn’t sunk into me yet. I feel like I am just an intern at the company, well everyone may have thought that because they say I look young for the job (and believe me, it’s not a compliment). But nonetheless, it still prides me knowing that I get to at least hand a little amount of money to my parents and I get to buy things using the fruit of my hard works.

For now, I’ll just enjoy things and let fate work in accord with its favor. I’ll just have to work on how I would grow and be mature enough to help myself stay afloat amidst all these.

And hopefully I can.